[industry & idleness]

A very sweet old lady came into the shop….

“Are we allowed to choose our own book ?”

Ah if only you weren’t.

We would do so much better if I could choose which books people had to have. All my old and unsaleable ones would fly off the shelves.

“Yes madam, I am certain that Sweet and Maxwell’s “Medical Negligence in County Court Judgements” is a thrilling book, and will certainly keep you amused for hours”

first published April 2008.

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A very nice old chap comes in.

Looking for a book. Can’t remember the title or the author.

But the authors man is a fish – comes in tins – quite tasty.

All of the customers (yes I had several) joined in to try to help. He was offered Sardines, but apparently it begins with a ‘C’ and is the cheapest fish you get in a tin.

Suggested Cod, Colley, Carp, Californian Sardine, Kippers (yes I know) and various others, but no joy. He went off promising to return with the name.

He hasn’t.

I am frustrated now. Suggestions please.

First published April 2008

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a woman of a certain age walks into the shop, and approaches me with a “hello, i know you are busy”

I instantly suspected a sale pitch, but no. She then asked.

“Do you have a book for thickening up hair ?”

I looked suitably blank (not having a clue what she was talking about)

“My sister is getting on, and has a bald patch, and I want a book to thicken her hair… I’d pay anything for it”

“Ah, do you mean a book about hairdressing madam ?”

“Not really, I don’t want to do hairdressing, i just want to know how to thicken my sisters hair”

I suggested that it might be easier to just ask a hairdresser for advice, which she thought was a jolly good idea, and set off to obtain immediately.

first published April 2008

Chap walks in with the customary and highly cheerful “Good Morning, how are you today” that you just KNOW means he is going to try to sell you something.

He comes up to the counter, and pulls out a month old and tatty copy of “Antiques Explorer” magazine. A free mag, that we distribute from the shop. “Would you be interested in buying this ?” he asks.

“But we give it out free to the public”

“Yes but this is a back issue – surely there are some collectors”

after pointing out that a month old is not quite into the antiquarian and collectible scale of things, i dig out another 10 copies that we failed to hand out for free, and ask him if he would like to take these to add to his collection – that way he can make a real killing if he finds anyone stupid enough to buy them!

Sadly he doesn’t want my copies. I guess i will have to recycle them as usual!

first published March 2008.

They do exist.

I have just been on the end of an genuine rant by a genuine conspiracy theorist who genuinely believes that the world is secretly run by the New World Order. I didn’t think they really existed (The conspirasists that is – obviously the New World Order exist).

He also believes that Jews run the NWO, that members of the House of Lords are practicing their marksmanship in Westminster to defend themselves against the revolution. etc etc etc.

Here was here about 20 mins and paused for breath once.

I just smiled sweetly and glazed over!

First published March 2008

Chap phones up to complain about a book order I have sent him.

I look up the order, and assure him that the books have gone out to him with Royal Mail.

“Oh I know that, I found them in my garden” it seems that the postie left them half in his letter box, and someone pulled them out,and threw them into the bushes.

He wanted to know what I was going to do about it.

I paused bleakly for a moment (wondering what all this had to do with me) and asked him how much damage there was to the books.

“Nothing at all, you wrapped them very well, but I wondered what compensation I would receive from you for them being thrown into the hedge”

I shall stop here !

first published January 2008.

Gentleman walks in and we have the following conversation (which I promise is not edited or made up):

Muppet: “I have some bird books – how much are they worth ?”

Mitchell: “I don’t know – do you have them with you”

Muppet: “No”

Mitchell: “Well who is the Author ?”

Muppet: “I Don’t know”

Mitchell: “Well do you know the title ?”

Muppet: “I Don’t know”

Mitchell: “Well how old are the books ?”

Muppet: “I Don’t know – they are a bit tatty – are they worth rebinding ?”

Mitchell: “That would depend on how much they are worth”

Muppet: “Oh – there are six of them. How much would they be worth then ?”

At least he didn’t tell me they were blue !!!!!

first published Feb. 2008. 

Hurrah,
It isn’t only me !!!

I was in Waterstones the other day (I know – just looking at recently published titles – honest Your Honour), when I overheard the following.

“Hello, can you point me to the sellotape, and the children’s toys please”

“Children’s toys madam, we don’t sell children’s toys”

“Why not, you should do”

“No, we sell books madam”

“Why don’t you sell children’s toys?”

“Because we are a bookshop, why don’t you try Woolworth’s opposite”

“You mean this isn’t Woolworths…. Well why didn’t you tell me?”

So other bookshops do get them as well.

First published September 2007.

Bloke walks into the shop and presents me with a slightly crumpled book of crossword puzzles, which he hopes I will purchase from him. In my nicest voice, I decline his generous offer (Well not so generous – he wants my cash).

His reply is to ask “Why wont you buy it, my wife has only done some of them – there’s plenty more for someone else to do”

What do you say to that ? Come on – how can I reasonably respond ?

(I stuck by my ‘no’ by the way).

First Published September 5th 2005.

Deventer Boekenmarkt 2017 

We were very excited to visit the remarkable Deventer Boekenmarkt earlier this month.

For the last 29 years, on the first Sunday of August the streets of the Dutch city of Deventer are literally filled (excuse the pun), with thousands of book stalls! The market stretches for over 6 kilometres, and showcases all kinds of books – from the secondhand book shops and antiquarian sellers, to self published novels and comic strip collections; people come from all over the Netherlands…and beyond.

The market is always popular, very organised and full of surprises. This year was no exception, and we found ourselves (armed with reading glasses and a wheel along bag) among an excited throng of over 125,000 visitors. It took us a full 8 hours to do the market justice. Thoroughly recommended!

Why Deventer?

For centuries, many printers and publishers have chosen Deventer as their base, and the city still houses many of national significance, alongside a wide variety of book shops and antiquarian book sellers.

Among other goodies, we managed to pick up some nineteenth century political cartoons, a French hand coloured folio atlas, some beautiful children’s books and a very nice Japanese postcard album.

         

The next Deventer Boekenmarkt takes place on Sunday, August 5, 2018

 

 

 

 

Jewellery and Rings (first published June 2007)

Woman walked in this afternoon.

“Have you got any rings”

“Rings madam?” says I (Come on then – what would you say?)

“Yes, rings – the charity shops are closed – I need some rings and don’t know where to go – I’m new to Salisbury.”

“This is a bookshop Madam.”

“But I want to buy a ring.”

“How about a jewellers madam.”

“Do you think so ? – I’ll try that then”

And she walked out.

A Little Vague (first published September 2007)

“Hello,I was watching an interesting programme with Simon Schama on the History Channel last night. He was talking about the history of Wales, and carrying a book. Can you get me a copy of it please.”

Now people, you just KNOW that he didn’t have any clues about author or title. The only extra bit of information I managed to get was “It might have been a Penguin”

The Fount of All Knowledge (first published March 2007)

Young man comes into the shop.

“I want to buy a book to learn stuff”

“What sort of Stuff”

You know …. I want a book to teach me things – can you recommend a book that will give me knowledge”

“Knowledge about what exactly ?”

“Oh everything ……I brought my mum a book for Christmas .. It was on Naturamony”

“Naturamony ?”

“You know – Bones and stuff”

“Ah, anatomy ….. Is she a nurse ?”

“No she works in a cafe… But i liked the pictures of bones and stuff…..

“Has she read it ?”

“She’s looked at it… Don’t think she’s read it. ……. David Ike is good isn’t he – he talks a lot of sense – who would have thought the royal family are all aliens”

“Well there are some who would question whether everything David Ike says is true”

“No its true, I saw it in a book – he says you have to wear blue to be safe from the aliens. Thats the sort of knowledge I want to learn”

“Ah sir, you will be needing our paranoid conspiracy theory utter rubbish section then”

Psychic Booksellers (first Published April 2007)

“My friend in Cornwall has quite a few Cricket books. How much are they worth ?”

Too Much Information (first published March 2007)

Guy comes in – also the worst for drink, and asks if I buy books.
“Sometimes”, say I “What sort of books are they?”

“Oh I don’t know, all sorts” He replied “How much will you pay me for them”

“I would have to see them, it varys from a pound or so, up to a few thousand, usually the former”

“But you must be able to give me some idea – can’t you guess?”

Pah.