Special Secret Knowledge

The Fount of All Knowledge (first published March 2007)

Young man comes into the shop.

“I want to buy a book to learn stuff”

“What sort of Stuff”

You know …. I want a book to teach me things – can you recommend a book that will give me knowledge”

“Knowledge about what exactly ?”

“Oh everything ……I brought my mum a book for Christmas .. It was on Naturamony”

“Naturamony ?”

“You know – Bones and stuff”

“Ah, anatomy ….. Is she a nurse ?”

“No she works in a cafe… But i liked the pictures of bones and stuff…..

“Has she read it ?”

“She’s looked at it… Don’t think she’s read it. ……. David Ike is good isn’t he – he talks a lot of sense – who would have thought the royal family are all aliens”

“Well there are some who would question whether everything David Ike says is true”

“No its true, I saw it in a book – he says you have to wear blue to be safe from the aliens. Thats the sort of knowledge I want to learn”

“Ah sir, you will be needing our paranoid conspiracy theory utter rubbish section then”

Psychic Booksellers (first Published April 2007)

“My friend in Cornwall has quite a few Cricket books. How much are they worth ?”

Too Much Information (first published March 2007)

Guy comes in – also the worst for drink, and asks if I buy books.
“Sometimes”, say I “What sort of books are they?”

“Oh I don’t know, all sorts” He replied “How much will you pay me for them”

“I would have to see them, it varys from a pound or so, up to a few thousand, usually the former”

“But you must be able to give me some idea – can’t you guess?”

Pah.

Metal, Pot & Students

Hardcore Heavy Metal (first published Dec 2006)

You get some very odd ones in Antiquarian bookshops….

So here I was, innocently working away in my little shop……..
When a very respectable chap walks in.
Typical customer. Mid Sixties, smartly dressed with a checked jacket (and obligatory hankerchief to top pocket)
Tie, neat trousers, brogues etc: Neat moustache.

“Can I help you” I intone in my nicest, middle english bookseller voice.

“I do hope so” came back. “Do you have any biographies on Marilyn Manson, they’re my favourite band, they’re awfully good.. Do you know them?”

Not enough Pot (first published Dec 2006)

Chap comes in, up to the counter and asks if I have any books on Antique Pot Lids. I ask him what sort of pots he means, and he tells me he wants a book on the lids of jam jars, honey pots, glass and ceramic – as long as they are over 50 years old.

I ask him about the pots themselves, and he looks at me as if I’m an absolute idiot.
“Why would I want a book about those? It’s only the lids i’m interested in!”

Drama school (first published Jan 2007)

Student walks into the shop.

” I am a drama and film studies at the local college.

We want to film a fight scene in a library, but the college won’t let us use theirs. Could I borrow about a thousand books for a week or so. I’ll bring them back. ”

Now guess whether I said yes or no to him…….